Guess this is good-bye

even though i wrote that email, now...while crying, i realize i'm the one who lost what was important. because you really didn't care after all.

i'm sorry i've caused you so much trouble. but it's over now. so i won't anymore.

it's time to finally clean you out of my life and cut me out of yours.

take care and good-bye, my first love.

Brief Memories

Even though there are so many memories, which I might even story tell later. Sitting on the park bench. Swinging on the swings. Sneaking out at night. Staying up until the sun rose. Getting ice cream. Riding in your truck. Practicing stick shift. Canoeing on the lake. Watching old movies. Walking your dog. Taking the train ride up to see you. Opening the door to see your face. Watching your car drive out of the driveway. All those skype video chat sessions. Not knowing you more than just your name and your face. Knowing you more about you than I would've liked to. Sleeping next to your warm body. Holding your hand. Cooking dinner with you. Waking up to find you already gone. Taking pictures. And videos. Playing games. Challenging each other to truth or dare. Clinging on to your arm when walking late at night. Taking visits to the school in the dark. Watching anime. Going to anime conventions. Seeing those paper cranes...Hearing you say I love you. Too embarrassed to say it back. Teasing you. Being teased. Sharing dreams. And story ideas. Drawings. Visiting your grandparents. Being yelled at by mom while you were there. Snow drifting outside the window while curled up safe and warm. Staying too late, when we know we should go. Going to the wedding. Watching you do the backflip to impress the small crowd. You, offering snacks. Blushing as you came to see me and my friend. Not letting you come between me and said friend. First dance, to make my then current crush jealous. Turning you down. First date at the movies. And Taco Bell. Giving you the heart shaped rock. The summer emails while you were in Maine. Making fun of you for liking step mania. Then becoming obsessed with it myself. First prom. And second. First break-up. And second. Moving into my college dorm with you helping. Having you be the only person, up until recently, to cry when watching you depart. Counting the steps you took. Tugging on your shirt, begging you to stay early that morning. Having you hand me your t-shirt. Wearing it down to shreds. Crying into that toy puppy you gave me. The treasure hunt for your sword. The joy I felt when getting my bow from you. The disappointment in not being able to use it. Worrying about you on your train rides. Fearing I wouldn't make it to you during mine. Yelling at you for falling asleep at 4 in the morning while chatting. Not wanting to end conversations. Wishing you a Merry Christmas. Getting all those valentines from you. Never taking up the chance to have you teach me blacksmithing. Forcing you to watch romance anime. And movies. Lying awake, looking around your familiar bedroom. With the picture of us on your cork board. Going to your family gatherings. Me being awkward there. Never having experienced such an event in such a long time with my own family. Watching you play. Sleep. Drive. Talk big about dreams. Watching you watch me as you lifeguard. Losing all the jewelry we gave each other. Countless necklaces and rings...The morning notes you left me. Mwa. and XOXO. Me suffering. Thinking I was so alone. You always being there anyway. Keeping me strong. Me fighting for you...running after you. Listening to you sing. Cringing. Humming you to sleep. Pushing your hand away. Watching sci-fi. Not admitting I liked it. Being poor, but happy. Living in a house surrounded with animals. Walking the hour walk up and down the hill to work. Countless shopping expeditions. All those nicknames. Never deciding on just one. Antonio's pizza. Trying to write a fic. Failing at the plot. Never taking the bow out once and practicing together. Fourth of July Fireworks. Plans to go to Maine. Never making it there. You being sick, and me pretending not to care, really, feeling scared...You telling me to donate blood. Being in the hospital, feeling so miserable and lonely. Shopping for groceries. Working in the yard. Berries in a bowl that one morning. Ducking to avoid your arm around me. Holding your cold hand in the winter. Coughing because of morning breath. Feeling your weight on me. Feeling too warm. Wishing I could feel it so bad. The mangas left as presents. The first, awkward kiss. Losing my cell at the anime convention. You buying a new one for me. Offering to make me a dress for a birthday present. The three things you'd want the most. A giant library, an astroid. And me never being able to remember the third. Me eating the gum out of your car. Singing along to the radio. You and your oldies. And books on tape. You and me...loving the dragon and the phoenix. Me not once, coming to see a wrestling match. Seeing you only once in a lax and soccer match. Me refusing to help with putting together the comforter. You telling really bad, dumb jokes. Me, laughing anyways. Me play-punching the side of your arm. Complaining about you not having shaved. You cringing, at me giving you a hair cut. Urging you to study Japanese. Both of us, equally worried about college. And future jobs. Your first house. Then moving to your second. Me moving, that cold winter. Getting snail mail in the metal mailbox. Your messy, illegible handwriting...sitting on the cold floor, deciding to be bf and gf...wanting the joy...not knowing the pain that was ahead of us...you paying for a lot of things for me...those tag sales. Picking up rusty rail road spikes. Having you curl up beside me, coming in from a cold, cold day. Laying out in the grass on that warm sunny day in your backyard. Sneaking up to bed, too late in the morning. Wondering what you're doing. If you think about me at all. Making fun of your clothes. Fixing my hair, as I step off the train. Almost getting run over, because you wanted that hug. Saying good-bye. You saying "we'll see each other again, don't worry." Not knowing that last time...might have been The last time. Wondering why, only after you're gone, has my love for you grown. As well as the pain that comes with it. Having dreams of you. Only to wake up and find you gone. Hoping, somewhere, deep in your heart, you still love me and are waiting for me. Looking out the window...hoping...trying so hard to visualize and hear your white truck...pulling into the driveway...not knowing how long I will feel this way. Hearing your name everywhere...seeing your face..everywhere...Life itself in all aspects, everything that makes up my world, reminding me of you...and knowing that, hurting, so much...

Sometimes...there might not be an answer

For a small while I believed I could love again. And receive love. But then I read that it's not fair to start another relationship with someone new when you still love that someone you shouldn't. I want to be loved. I want to be loved so much...is it really not okay while I still love him? I feel like no matter how much I try to cover it up or deny it, I'll always love him. I'd always be with him if he asked me to. Some people said you never get over your first love, if it was true love. Some say just put it behind you. But God knows, I've tried just about everything. I know it's silly to believe in "meant to be" and "the one." But no matter how much I try and force my heart to feel a certain way, or let go of certain feelings, it just doesn't. It always finds ways to create those feelings even when I don't think they're there. Perhaps...when school starts, I'll be able to give up for real. And maybe, I won't think about it anymore...maybe...

Music

I really like music that makes me feel peaceful. Sometimes that music is hard to find, but it's great to stumble upon it. This particular piece, I don't know the name of, but it makes me think of streaming sun rays blinking through the leaves of trees. Of wide open fields and flowers. A warm breeze carrying their light, sweet scent. Of the clouds, drifting by. The distant buzzing of insects.

I remember one dream of mine. Where I was standing alone. In my white karate uniform, with such a serious look on my face. One of hardened sadness. But ready to face the world, determined to protect my heart. Leaves glittered, swirling around me. The brightest, unnatural fall leaves shimmering in the background, still full on the trees. I don't know why I was there, but for some reason, I think it was supposed to like the one memory of me that would last.

Maybe, I want to give love to someone special so much. But I don't want to receive it from anyone but you. I often ask, why you? I can come up with so many reasons, yet
none of them last long enough not to come back to that question, as if it was never answered.

But maybe, this is how I'm supposed to picture you. Maybe it's best to picture you, as I always have. I don't know what to do with the stuff you gave me that I can't part with. But I wonder if I can find that ring...I kind of want to wear it on a chain, as a necklace. But maybe even that, is a bad idea. I want to hope it'll bring me comfort. But maybe it'll only act as a small bit of hope, and only leave me lonely. Who knows...maybe the Ai necklace? Heh...but what am I thinking...

I wonder if some day, you'll see this. I wonder what you'll be doing then. I wonder if I'll still be alive. I wonder if we'll have seen each other by then. Sometimes, there's still so much I feel I want to ask you. To talk to you about...but I know it would only cause trouble for you..and make me even more aware of the fact that you're not with me. At least like this, I can pretend on the surface, I haven't lost anything...

I wonder if you think about me...even just a little...

I wonder if you've found the happiness you've been looking for...even now, I would still do anything to protect that happiness, even if I'm not the reason for it. It's really the only reason I've stopped myself from calling..from trying to see you.

I hope you're not hiding anything to keep me from getting hurt...I truly hope you're okay.

Unanswered Question

After watching Koizora, his behavior was a lot like yours. And I also want to know. Why? Why are you acting so indifferent to me? Why are you avoiding me. You could see me if you wanted to. You could call me if you wanted to. It can't be just because I ask questions you can't answer, right?

I'm wonder if I'll regret giving up. If that life will pass by without ever seeing you again, and then me finding out we could have worked it out, but then having it really be too late. I can't imagine anything worse. I suppose that in love, we're always afraid of losing that person.

I suppose it really be up to fate if we meet again. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to see you. I wonder if you're scared too. I don't know how I'd act if I saw you. I don't know whether I would cry or smile or be barely able to even breathe. I wonder how you'd act too. I wonder if you'd already be settled down, or still free-floating. I wonder if I'd still be beautiful to you.

I can't be selfish and force you to choose either her or give me another chance. That, I know, isn't the answer either.

Still, the lyrics to this song really match what I feel. It's cold and dark outside and I'm tired of walking. I really wish you were beside me. Just to have your presence here would be wonderful. I want to believe that.

I wish I had been able to have a last kiss with you. I don't even remember if we hugged one last time. Maybe it was better though that we didn't act like it was a final good-bye. Maybe it was best that's how we remember each other. With words and a smile that said we'd meet again sometime soon.

I wonder if I'll continue to love you without thinking about it. I'd like to believe there's something special about a first love. I wonder why I'd still have these feelings, why I can't help but believe in them. Maybe I'm just disillusion.

I know I'm not very strong on my own. But I also believe that of course I could be happy with someone else. Even share a very peaceful or exciting love. If only I were to be so lucky as to have love find me. I wonder if I'd forget about you then, and these feelings would finally go away. I wonder if that's what I really want after all.

Again

I swore I'd never give up on this dream of trying to get my feelings to reach you. I've been told if you give up on the one thing that most important to you, you end up losing yourself. But, now I see, this is the one dream I'm not allowed to have. That it won't bring me the happiness. Only loneliness.

Every day, I search for proof and for a reason to live. And that it's okay for me to exist and be loved. So I'll take the tears that sparkle a light of their own. I'll gather them gently in my hands. I'll take the songs, full of memories and feelings in my heart, and sing them even more, even louder. And these will be my proof and my reasons.


Because of you, I think I've learned to love. Being together with you. And apart. Having experienced all this, I learned to love.

You have shown me you can move forward with the happiness you have found. So, even through the tears, I must do my best to smile too. To you, who has always continued to love me and give me courage. Who I hope to never forget, even as the memories start to fade away with my dream. I'll send off this dream with a smile. Maybe that, at least, will reach you some day. My hand will always be there for you, now and forever. All you'll have to do, is reach out.

If in the future, we meet, then surely it will mean we are ready to see each other again. If not, my heart can finally say it now. Thank you.

バイバイ！(Bye-bye!) ^_^

The Last one?

I guess both of us are facing things we don't want to. Me realizing I'm not very strong on my own. And you having to think about answers to questions and statements that dig deeper than you really want them too.

I wonder if we'll ever be as close as we once were.

You tell me to move on, as if it were easy. But then again if it were the other way around and I was the one who had found someone who liked me just as much, I'd be saying the same thing to you right.

I just feel like something doesn't fit. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle...to why things changed so fast between us..or without me realizing it. I wonder if I'll ever find it.

"Today, finally the answer will come out. The thing that I need to ask. I'm going to hear it without running away. But when I hear it, I may change. So today's the last, for me to be "me". I bet today's the last time."

I can't help but often wonder why the people I get close to always leave me. Is it fate? I cry out for an answer, but the only reply is the endless echo of darkness."

I wish i could do that more than anything. just pack things away with a smile...because if i really had the ability to move on, I think I'd never need to see you again.

I almost feel like a child again. Like I don't know what to do. That I don't know what to believe in.

I often wonder if my feelings will ever reach you. Maybe they're not meant to. Maybe because I don't have the ability to love someone properly, I don't deserve to be loved in return.

ok, so i've decided! of course I'll be there for you in the future if you ever need or want me there, even though I know I shouldn't give you that option. But I guess I lied. I'm giving up trying to get you to love me. It really feels like I've lost the one thing I swore I would keep precious to me. This feeling of hope...and of loving you. hontou ni gomen!

If we meet again, then it will have to be fate. I've done all I can do. Until then, even though my jealous heart wants to be loved by you, and will always wish that, I will say, I hope you find the happiness you're looking for! Au toki made, sayounara!